All About Beer

(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

• “You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.” – Frank Zappa
• “Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” – Ernest Hemingway
• “Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” – Winston Churchill
• “He was a wise man who invented beer.” – Plato
• “Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.” – Catherine Zandonella
• “A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her.” – W.C. Fields
• “Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.” – Lady Astor to Winston Churchill.
  “Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.” – His reply
• “If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs.” – David Daye
• “Work is the curse of the drinking class.” – Oscar Wilde
• “When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” – Henny Youngman
• “Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
• “If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.” – Deep Thought, Jack Handy
• “Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” – Dave Barry
• “The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.” – Humphrey Bogart
• “Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.” – David Moulton
• “People who drink light ‘beer’ don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.” *Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
• “Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.” – Kaiser Welhelm
• “I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.” – Homer Simpson
• “Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.” – Dave Barry
• “I drink to make other people interesting.” – George Jean Nathan
• “They who drink beer will think beer.” – Washington Irving
• “An intelligent man sometimes is forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.” – For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
• “You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on.” – Dean Martin
• “All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me – so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer.” – Homer Simpson