What did Diana say when the French doctors arrived on the scene?
Merc-i.
What do world hunger and a Mercedes have in common?
Diana can't stop either.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Mercedes?
BMW doesn't get any royalties.
Dodi and Diana wanted a wedding made in heaven....
What’s the difference between Princess Di and a blade of grass?
About 6 feet.
By the way, how many paparazzi does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They're too busy taking pictures.
What is the new perfume named after Di?
Impact.
What’s the difference between Diana and Casper the ghost?
Casper can go through walls, Diana can't.
Did you hear about Elton John's new album featuring "Candle in the Wind"?
He decided not to call it "Live in Paris".
What's the similarity between a broken arm and Princess Diana?
You need to get a doctor in to remove the plaster of Paris.
One of the paparazzi managed to get a last quote from Di after the accident but is unable to release it publicly because of the ban...
All he could say was that she really needed to get something off her chest.
Why was Princess Diana's car going so fast?
She was late for her flying lesson with John Denver.
What's the difference between 39 pence and Princess Di?
It’s easier to scrape together 39 pence.
Would Diana have been buried if she had been married to Dodi?
No, she would then have been mummy-Fied.
Why is Di like a mobile phone?
They both die in tunnels.
What do Princess Diana and the Beatles have in common?
They both made quite an impact over in Europe.
Doesn't it drive you up the wall to see so many Princess Diana jokes?
Makes ya want to go get drunk and drive into a post, doesn't it.
What would Princess Diana be doing if she was alive now?
Scratching on the lid of her coffin.
What's Di's favourite ice-cream?
Walls.
First commercial advertisements after Princess Diana's death:
- If she had been in a Volvo, she would still be alive.
- Kawasaki, we kick the shit out of any Mercedes.
- If you must leave this world, do it with class, do it in a Mercedes Benz.
- "Did Dodi do Di before Dodi and Di died?"
Michael Jackson postponed a concert in Belgium from Sunday to Wednesday "in deference to Princess Diana".
In a statement issued by a spokesman, Jackson called Diana "a friend to the world" and said her death is "one of the greatest tragedies of the millennium..."
... "Now how much for her bones?"
What is the difference between Princess Diana and Michael Hutchence?
One of them forgot to buckle up.
What were Princess Diana's last words?
"Would you leave me alone already? I'm a bloody princess!"
Did you hear that Prince Charles is going grey?
He hasn't got any more Di.
What is worse than being chased by British photographers?
Being chauffeured by a French driver.
What's worse than being chauffeured by a French driver?
Being treated by a French doctor.
When Prince Charles was being told of Diana's death, he was all ears.
What did Prince Charles say when he heard the news?
"Shall I put your motorbike back in the garage, Mum?"
Headline describing Royal Mail's decision to not deliver letters on Saturday
DIANA CRASH HAS IMPACT ON POST.
Informed sources report she died of
CAR-POLE-TUNNEL SYNDROME.
What did Prince Charles say when he heard about Di's accident?
"Smashing!"
How angry was Di at the paparazzi following her?
She nearly went through the roof.
What do you give the princess who has everything?
A seatbelt and an airbag.
Why did Princess Diana get to the Pearly Gates before Mother Teresa?
Mother Teresa deserved a Royal Reception.
What's worse than removing red wine from a carpet?
Removing Di from upholstery.
How can you tell which one was Charles at the funeral?
He was the one talking to the flowers.
What was the last thing that went through Princess Di's mind?
The roof of the Mercedes.
Princess Diana was once a kindergarten teacher.
Now she's history.
What's the difference between Freddie Mercury and Princess Di?
Freddie lived long enough to be a Queen.
Dodi's tomb was to be fitted with central heating...
... until they realised that he already had a radiator in his chest.
Apparently, at Diana's funeral the Queen Mother caught the bouquet.
All 7 journalists are being charged with ma'am-slaughter.
What Have Di & Ian Wright got in common?
Both hit the post 4 times at the weekend.
What's the similarity between Neighbours & Prince Charles?
Neighbours have Mrs. Mangle, Charles has mangled Mrs.
What has 500 legs and 62 teeth?
The front row at Princess Diana's funeral.
What is Princess Diana getting for Christmas this year?
The Queen Mother.
What did the French mortuary attendant say when he got the body bags?
Zip-a-de Dodi, Zip-a-de Di.
Elton John has written a new song for Mother Teresa, called
Sandals in the Bin.
Elton John has written a new song for John Denver, called
Tangled in the Wing.
What do Princess Diana and a tampon have in common?
They go into a dark tunnel and come out all bloody.
What did Dodi say to his chauffeur?
"Do you want to come to Paris with me and Di?"
Why did Elton John sing at the funeral?
Because he's the only queen who gives a fuck.
Why did Elton John sing at the funeral?
Because the Crash Test Dummies couldn't make it.
What's the difference between George Best and Dodi's chauffeur?
George Best can still take corners when he's pissed.
What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Princess Di?
Tiger Woods has a good driver.
What is Dodi's new pet name for Di?
Squidgy.
Diana was all over the radio on the day of the crash...
...and the dashboard... and the steering wheel...
Apparently it wasn't the chauffeur's fault, Di had also been drinking
Reports show she had 2 pints of Carling in her.
What does a bee have in common with a Mercedes?
They both make Royal Jelly.
How did the crash investigators know that Di had dandruff?
They found her head and shoulders on the dashboard.
What's the difference between Dodi and Di and Charles and Camilla?
Dodi and Di are just a crush.
That was final proof that a Mercedes Benz.
How do you paint a Mercedes red?
Di it.
Knock knock
Who's there?
Di
Di who?
See, easily forgotten.
Do you know what was playing on the stereo when the car crashed?
Going Underground.
What's the difference between a Skoda and a Mercedes?
Di wouldn't be seen dead in a Skoda.
What did Di wear for her funeral?
A dark blue bonnet.
Apparently, Dodi asked Diana whether she wanted to crash at his place or hers.
What sound did the ambulance make?
Dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi dodi...
What's the Queen's favourite car?
A smashed up Princess.
What does the Queen Mother have in common with a turkey?
They'll both be dead by Christmas.
What does Diana stand for?
Died In A Nasty Accident.
What does Dodi stand for?
Died Opposite DI.
What is Princess Diana's favourite drink?
Harvey Wallbanger with six chasers.
What were Diana's last words to her two sons?
"I'll be back in a jiffy".
Prince Charles was out early the other day walking the dog.
When a passerby said "morning" Charles said "No, just walking the dog".
Did you hear that the French doctors could have saved Diana?
Unfortunately they didn't have the parts for a 1961 Princess.
What is the Queen getting Fergie for Christmas?
A trip to Paris, dinner at the Ritz, and a chauffeur-driven Mercedes.
Prince Charles was watching the remains being taken back in that big state coffin, and thought
"Why did they bother taking her out of the ashtray?"
How did the Royal Family stop the paparazzi from visiting Diana's grave?
By placing land mines around it.
Why did the Princess cross the road?
Because she wasn't wearing a seatbelt.
Did you hear that Di has something in common with George Burns?
They both died when they hit 100.
Did you hear about the princess that stayed out after midnight?
She turned into a pillar of concrete.
With Mother Teresa also dying it's ...
Catholics one, Protestants one.
Pink Floyd is expected to contribute to the upcoming benefit album by singing
"All in all, it's just another Brit in the wall".
Tonight, we could all remember the sainted Mother Teresa and the beloved Princess Diana
By eating a curry then sticking our fingers down our throats.
What did St Peter say to Princess Diana when she arrived at the Pearly Gates?
Okay, you can come in, but wipe that Merc off your face.
What's the difference between a BMW and a Mercedes?
Princess Diana wouldn't have been seen dead in a BMW.
What did Dodi say to Di just as they entered the tunnel?
"Hey Babe, let's turn this thing into something concrete".
Why was Princess Di's death a tragedy?
Because the rest of the Royal Family wasn't in the back of the car with her.
When the people at the Ritz asked Princess Di if she wanted a room for the night, she said
"No, I'm gonna crash with my boyfriend".
If Diana's heart was in the right place, why was it found in the glove compartment?
Did you hear about the new fairy tale for kids that's replacing the Cinderella and carriage story?
It's about Diana... at midnight, she turns into a pillar.
What's the difference between Princess Di and Mother Teresa?
About 5 days.
What's the difference between those who get offended by Princess Diana jokes and a puppy?
The puppy eventually stops whining.