(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)
How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
Pick it up and give it a blow job.
Who’s the world’s greatest athlete?
The guy who finishes first and third in a masturbation contest.
Why do men pay more for car insurance?
Because women don’t get blowjobs while they’re driving.
Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
They don’t have time.
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won’t stop to ask directions.
Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can’t mow the lawn.
Why don’t women have men’s brains?
Because they don’t have a penis to keep it in.
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They’re usually intended for children, but it’s the men who usually end up playing with them.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapour-lock.
Why is his pee yellow and sperm white?
So he can tell if he’s coming or going.
What is soft and warm when you go to bed, but hard and stiff when you wake up?
Vomit.
How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender.
What two words will clear out a men’s restroom?
“Nice dick!”
What do you call a successful masturbation by a 90 year old man?
Miracle whip.
What is the best way to brainwash your husband?
Stand on his enema bag.
How do you piss off your boyfriend when you’re having sex?
You phone him up.
Why are men like screen doors?
Once they get banged a few times, they loosen up.
What do you call the useless flesh at the end of a penis?
A man.
What’s 60 feet long and stinks of piss?
A conga line in an old people’s home.
What do you get when you cross a vibrator with an anteater?
An armadildo.
What did Cinderella do when she got to the ball?
She gagged.
Why did the sweet little girl fall off of the swing?
She had no arms.
How do you get 99 sweet little 80 year old ladies to say “Fuck”?
Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to say “Bingo!”
What does an elephant use for a tampon?
A sheep.
Why did the condom fly around the room?
Because it got pissed off.
What do you call a herd of masturbating cattle?
Beef Stroganoff.
Why was the gay man fired from his job at the sperm bank?
He was caught drinking on the job.
What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
Wiped his arse.
What did the leper say to the prostitute?
“You can keep the tip.”
Why did the Walrus go to the Tupperware party?
He was looking for a tight seal.
What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?
A quarter-pounder with cheese.
What do you call a gay bar with no bar stools?
A fruit stand.
What’s the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer?
The taste.
Where do you find a no-legged dog?
Right where you left it.
Where do you get virgin wool from?
Ugly sheep.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers.
What does a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?
Someone is losing a trailer.
Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?
He’s all right now.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
Gee, that’s neat, but can it pick up peanuts?
What kind of bees makes the best milk?
Boo-Bees.
What’s the difference between a toad and a horny toad?
A toad says “ribbit ribbit” and a horny toad says “rubbit rubbit”.
Have you heard about the new mint flavoured birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex?
They’re called “Predickamints”.
How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two: one to screw in the lightbulb, and one to hold my penis … the ladder! the ladder!