(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

Officials of the New South African government have come to realise that the current status of having 11 official languages in the New South Africa is impractical. A new language was thus introduced. This is the English as it is now spoken on television and radio. The recently published New Suth Effrican Deekshunry defines these new weds. Here are some extracts and examples of their usage in the official New Suth Effrican lungwich:

Airbus – as in “airbus, don’t shoot”
Awa – as in “awa dee-mands”
Bad – you sleep on it in the badroom
Beds – mossies, doves, etc
Beg – container, as in shopping beg, hand-beg, tog-beg
Ben – to set alight
Chealdren – our future is in their hands
Chetz – where worshippers go on Sundays
Cuds – you can play poker or rummy with them
Cut – a small donkey-drawn vehicle
Debben – city in KZN
Deekshunry – where you find weds
Detty – opposite of clean
Die’llas – as in drug die’llas or wee-pon die’llas
Driva – holds the steering wheel of a teksi
Duck – very duck at night when the lights are all off
Ebben – you get ebben erriors and rural erriors
Effrican – from the continent of Africa
Erriors – districts, e.g. ebbon erriors
Ewways – eg. SAA, Comair
Fems – companies, e.g., Anglo-American
Fest – the one before second and third
Fok – used with nifes
Fum – you can fum with ship or kettle
Fumma – he owns the fum
Guddin – where you grow kebbijees
Geave – you MUST geave, I WILL take
Get – a hinged device in a fence
Hair – as opposed to heem
Heppi – state of elatement, e.g. I’m so heppi – I just voted
Hiss – masculine form of hairs
Hubba – where sheeps dock
Itch – as in itch and avairy pesson
Jems – little bugs that give you the flu
Kah – what you drive around in
Kennel – ummy officer
Kebbijees – vegetable
Keptown – some think parliament doesn’t belong there
Kettegry – in a system of classification
Kipper – one who kips, as in goal kipper
Kleenix – where nesses weck
Kot – where the judges sit
Len – to acquire knowledge
Leeda – as in Arwa Leeda, the president
Lungwich – weds what are spokkin
Mick – those that will inherit the eth
Miening – what is the miening of this attack?
Nesses – they weck in kleenix and hospitals
Pee pull – powa to da pee pull
Peppa – one way to get the news
Pesson – one of pee pull
Phlegm – the benning top of a kendal
Pees – symbolised by white dove
Pees-Tox – between IRA and John Major
Reeva – e.g. Limpopo, Vaal, Orange
Regime – anything to describe pre-1994
Ree kwest – replaced by dee mands
Rent – N/A – word obsolete
Scotched Eth – guerilla tactic
Sheep – big boat
Shex – houses in squatter camps
Ship – provider of wool
Shit of Peppa – something to write on
Shuck-attak – if the shuck-net is brokkin
Shuck-nets – at Debben, for safety of sweamas
Spitch – what politicians make at a relly
Suth – opposite of North
Sweamas – compete in a sweaming pul
Teps – solvent to thin enamel paint
Teck – see geave
Teksi – kah for hire – sometimes parrot teksi
Tenning point – the “top” of a parabola
Thest – ice cold Coke will relieve it on a hot day
Tipic ally – characteristic
Tocks – negotiations
Ufrican – pertaining to Ufrica
Ummy – military force
Wee men – ladies
We pon – a gun
Wean-dow – with glus for throwing bricks through
Weaned – Gone with the Weaned
Weaner – the one with the most votes
Weckliss – the unemployed pee-pull
Weds – what the dictionary is made up of
Wekkas – do the weck
Weld – the eth
Wems – small crawly creatures
Weth – she is weth her weight in gold.