Fuck Volvo

It started off so well. Volvo Canada announced the arrival of the EX30 a couple of years ago. I wanted one so I paid a $1,000 deposit, and ordered mine sky blue with the navy interior.

And I waited. And waited. And waited. Then the spectre of “China” and “tariffs” happened, and I was becoming impatient. There was a cut-off, the dealership couldn’t tell me anything, and I ended up cancelling my order and getting my money back.

A week or two later, the car landed, because they forgot to remove me from their mailing list. It was already too late: our house became the lessee of a third Tesla.

In the meantime, my spouse’s Tesla Model Y lease was expiring, so he decided to downsize. Finally, here was a car that fitted what he wanted: a city runaround.

So he leased a Volvo EX30 instead. He even paid the full lease term of 24 months up front. Unfortunately the only dealership that had the colour he wanted, was the one I had dealt with (foreshadowing!).

If you’re paying attention, you’ll know that the EX30 has since been recalled for the battery exploding and murdering people in exotic locations and being sued by governments!

Unfortunately, Volvo Canada doesn’t have any idea when the battery will be replaced. Instead they tell you to charge to 70% only. If you go over 70% and something happens, they will disclaim any legal liability. If you’re not dead, the lawsuit is going to be expensive.

So a small EV with a relatively low range is now artificially restricted by an additional 30% to avoid you dying by lithium-ion fire in a product they don’t know how to replace. Cool.

See, if this was a country that had lemon laws, they would buy the car back from us….

If you’re an EX30 aficionado as I once was, you’ll also know they’ve had a lot of software bugs. Early on, it was around one-pedal driving, but also with the underpowered Android tablet generally malfunctioning. But in our case, it’s that the car won’t lock. Or it will lock, but not unlock. Or it will unlock when you don’t want it to. Or the car won’t actually start because it can’t detect the key card or fob. Or it warns you that you’re not looking at the road when you turn your head to check a blind spot. You know: really helpful stuff.

So, a recap: security, non-existent. Battery: prone to kill you. Safety: iffy. Volvo Canada’s position: meh.

And then, the pièce de résistance. The weird clicking sound emanating from the rear of the vehicle at low speeds. Not the solid click noise from the doors locking. Not the solid click noise from the doors unlocking (and why would they unlock while the car is in motion anyway?). No, a repeating clicking sound, softer than the indicator and seemingly random. At first I thought it was weather related because it seemed to happen after a cold snap.

Those of you who have driven any Italian marque (or let’s be fair, any Mercedes) will know where this is going: this must be some sort of electrical fault. Spoiler: you’re right. But only Future Wests knew this.

Past Wests took the car to same famed dealership (Valentine Volvo in Calgary, may they rot in hell), and asked them to take a look. They asked if they could keep the car for a week, to cover their bases, and assured us it would be looked at. Someone would drive it to see if they could hear the noise.

According to the app, the car didn’t move. For a week. They didn’t even put it on a lift.

Instead, they plugged in their OBD-II diagnostic device at the very last moment, and claimed the computer said everything was fine. The noise was likely from things moving in the trunk. If you think that’s funny, try telling that to an impatient medical professional. They couldn’t get us away fast enough.

The noise happened again. And again. And again. The car was taken to a different dealership, and they also said they would check it out.

Eventually they acknowledged an electrical fault with the left rear door lock. My spouse was given a Volvo internal combustion SUV as a loaner car for two weeks. Then the car was returned, no longer making the clicking sound. Victory?

Not quite: the battery recall is still outstanding. The car lease is ending. No word from Volvo Canada. But they want to sell us a new car. They always want to sell us a new car. When we want to break the lease they’ll be happy to do so, but they won’t offset the difference.

So we have a lemon that was undrivable for the three weeks it was in the shop, in a country that doesn’t have lemon laws, and the company isn’t even prepared to show the slightest remorse, or financial recourse, to apologize. If we want to break the lease we have to buy the car from Volvo and sell it privately or we take a $10,000 dive.

At least in the UK you get a voucher for £200.

Fuck Volvo.