I’ve Learned

(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

As I’ve matured …

  • I’ve learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
  • I’ve learned that 99% of the time when something isn’t working in your house, one of your kids did it.
  • I’ve learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • I’ve learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • I’ve learned that exes are like fungus, and keep coming back.
  • I’ve learned that I don’t suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
  • I’ve learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
  • I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
  • I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just jackasses.
  • I’ve learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
  • I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
  • I’ve learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
  • I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
  • I’ve learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
  • I’ve learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished.
  • I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
  • I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more screwed up than you think.
  • I’ve learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.