There Ought To Be A Word For That

(Reproduced from the South African edition of Reader’s Digest October 1998, pages 105 to 106.)

Accidue: (ax ih dew). Small pile of broken glass, metal and other debris that remains at the scene several months after a road accident.

Adhokum: (ad hoe kum). In television commercials, the belief that because the actor is wearing a white lab coat he must be an expert.

Alfred Hitchcook. To stab continuously at a block of frozen vegetables to make them cook faster.

Blimpliments. The rich toppings for low-fat yoghurt that effectively cancel the reason you were eating yoghurt in the first place.

Circumvaculate: (sur kum vak yew late). To remain in a stationary position while vacuuming in a circle around oneself.

Coinophony: (koy noff uh nee). Annoying concerts conducted by people who jingle change and keys in their pockets, often accompanied by a rocking motion.

Comeondowns: (kum on downs). Depression resulting from knowing all the answers to a game show while confined to your lounge couch.

Dentocram. To attempt a year’s worth of brushing and flossing in the hour before a dental appointment.

Dietribe: (dy uh tribe). All of the day’s “specials” you allow the waiter to reel off even though you already know what you want.

Enamelisms: (ih nam ul iz ums). Overly embellished names given to interior paints, such as Mediterranean Sunset and Autumn Harvest.

Firssue: (fur shoo). The first tissue in a box that pulls up all the others in one go.

Gunkoleum: (gung koh lee um). The horrible black paste that manufacturers smear under car seats.

Gymbols: (jim buls). Those lines and markings on a gym floor that have no purpose whatsoever.

Idiolocation. The spot on a map marked “You are here”.

Indigestures: (in dih jest jurz). The half-hearted protestations you feel required to make when someone else offers to pay the bill.

Intunition: (in tew nish un). Mentally hearing a song begin seconds before it plays on the album.