Why Women Are Better Than Men

(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

  • It does not enhance our social standing to understand the inner workings of a ‘ruck’ (or any other rugby thing). But we look INCREDIBLY cool if we do.
  • It’s cool to be a daddy’s girl. It’s sad to be a mommy’s boy.
  • Our boyfriend’s clothes make us look elfin and gorgeous – they look like complete dicks in ours.
  • Taxis stop for us.
  • The thrill of surprising people by being good at darts … and pool … and football.
  • We absently hum tunes from musicals without anyone being suspect of our sexuality.
  • We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
  • We can cry and get off speeding fines.
  • We can get off with teenagers without being called dirty old perverts.
  • We can get rid of leg hair without pretending that we do a lot of cycling/swimming, or any other sport that would require aerodynamic legs.
  • We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
  • We can use cosmetics should we wake up looking like something the cat dragged in.
  • We can wear platforms – which is why there is no such thing as a short woman’s complex.
  • We don’t have to get our strength up between sessions … and it’s much easier for us to get laid in the first place.
  • We don’t look like a frog in a blender when dancing. Sorry. We are just better.
  • We get drunk quicker and cheaper.
  • We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
  • We got off the Titanic first.
  • We have no desire to arrange our possessions in alphabetical order. Ever.
  • We have total control over our eyebrows.
  • We know that games are fun, but don’t believe there’s a direct correlation between the size of our scores and the size of our genitals.
  • We know that Tetris is the computer game to end all games.
  • We live longer, so we can be cantankerous old biddies wearing inappropriate clothes and shouting at strangers … men die earlier so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
  • We never ejaculate prematurely.
  • We never recognise ourselves in aspects of Mr Bean. Ever.
  • We’ve never fancied a cartoon character or the central figure in a computer game.
  • When we buy a vibrator it is glamorous. When men buy a blow up doll it’s sad.