(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)
- A bargain is something you don’t need at a price you can’t resist.
- A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
- A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
- Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
- Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
- Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
- Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
- Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
- Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. That is why I don’t argue with a politician.
- Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
- Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
- Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.
- He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame.
- Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
- How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
- I always take life with a grain of salt… plus a slice of lemon… and a shot of tequila.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
- I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, “I’m going to mop the floor with your face.” I said, “You’ll be sorry.” He said, “Oh, yeah? Why?” I said, “Well, you won’t be able to get into the corners very well.”
- I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
- I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
- If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
- Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
- Just remember… if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without a sandwich, look out.
- My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
- Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
- Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
- Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.
- Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
- Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
- The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- War does not determine who is right – only who is left… left, oh ya they are the ones holding the protest signs.
- We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
- Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. What’s my mother going to do?
- Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
- Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
- With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
- Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.