(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)
- Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.
- Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
- Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the toilet.
- Walk up to an employee and tell them in an official tone, “Code 3 in Housewares”, and see what happens.
- Go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of M&Ms on credit.
- Move a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.
- Set up a tent in the Camping Department and tell other shoppers you are sleeping over, and invite them in if they bring pillows from the Bedding Department.
- When a clerk asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”
- Look right into the security camera, use it as a mirror and pick your nose.
- While handling large knives in the Kitchen Department, ask the clerk if they know where the anti-depressants are located.
- Dart around the store suspiciously, while loudly humming the theme from Mission: Impossible.
- Hide in a clothing rack, and when people browse through, shout, “PICK ME! PICK ME!”
- When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, hit the floor, assume the fetal position, and scream “NO! It’s those voices again!”
- Go into a fitting room, shut the door and wait a while, then yell loudly, “There’s no toilet paper in here!”