(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

I have a Labrador Retriever, and was buying a large bag of Epol at Spar and was in line to check out. The woman behind me asked if I had a dog. (Duh!) On impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Epol Diet again, although, I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital the last time, but I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way it works is to load your pants pockets with Epol pellets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy who was standing behind her. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food had poisoned me?

I told her no, I’d been sitting in the middle of the street licking my balls when a car hit me.

I thought the guy standing behind her was going to need help as he fell on the floor laughing.