Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate.
Don’t waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the object you wish to view.
Pop a few teabags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa anytime by just turning on the tap.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully refreshed and on time.
Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic.
When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.
Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating cakes again.
A next door neighbour’s car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.
Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your intended destination in the first place.
Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you on a motorbike carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the blame.
Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any that you catch in the act.
Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.
Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you’ve taken anabolic steroids by running a bit slower.
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Bachelors: Avoid the drudgery of washing up by wrapping your crockery in cling film. After meals simply remove to reveal fresh clean plates. Cutlery can be wrapped in kitchen foil (unwanted lint in the mouth can be removed by gargling with a magnet).
Dyslexics: Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.
Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the chicks.
Pretend to be Welsh by putting coal dust behind your ears, talking gibberish and singing all the time.
If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.
Don’t invite drug addicts round for a meal on boxing day. They may find the offer of cold turkey embarrassing or offensive.
Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.
Make guests believe your home might be bugged by running your hands under tables and inside lampshades, then turning the shower on every time you want to speak.
Increase blind people’s electricity bills by switching all their lights on when their guide dog isn’t looking.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Girls: Too old to go on an 18 to 30 Contiki holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the fence.
Bus drivers: Pretend you’re an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.
International master criminals: Tell your guards to shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women in bikinis.
King-sized Mars bars make ideal normal-sized Mars bars, for giants. NORMAL-sized Mars bars make ideal king-sized Mars bars for dwarfs, as well as fun-sized ones for giants. FUN-sized Mars Bars make ideal normal sized Mars Bars for midgets.
People whose surname is Toblerone should always take along an empty ‘Toblerone’ chocolate box when attending interviews for office jobs. This would save your potential employer the expense of having to make a name plaque for your desk, and therefore increase your chances of getting the job.
Attempt your own corrective laser eye surgery by removing the back of your CD player and then staring into it whilst it is turned on.
Find out how many of your cat’s lives are remaining by hitting it repeatedly with a mallet. The number of strokes required to bring about its demise will correspond with the number of lives that remained.
Transform your garage into a drive-thru restaurant by sitting in your car, lowering your window and demanding that your wife/girlfriend brings you a cup of tea. On roller skates.
Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
High blood pressure sufferers. Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
Have all your shits at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper, but you’ll also be getting paid for it.
Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and letting someone else win.
A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.
Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.
Give VIZ and other comics that ‘Pulp Fiction’ feel by reading the last frames of cartoons first, then reading the rest in a random order.
Heavy smokers. Don’t throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you’ll have enough to insulate your loft.
Motorists. Enjoy the freedom of cycling by removing your windscreen, sticking half a melon skin on you head, then jumping red lights and driving the wrong way up one way streets.
Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.
X File fans. Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by drinking two bottles of vodka. You’ll invariably wake up in a strange place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously ‘erased’.
Wheelchair basketball coaches. Miss out Lourdes from any forthcoming European tours in order to avoid losing your star players.
A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.
Toblerone chocolate bars make ideal ‘toast racks’ for Ritz crackers.
Convince neighbours that you have invented a ‘SHRINKING’ device by ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking a JCB digger outside your house for a few days. Then dim and flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the JCB unseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch their faces in the morning!
An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.
Feed bees oranges. Hey presto! They make marmalade instead of honey.
Nissan Micra drivers. Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like sodding dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.
Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.
Brighten up dull Monday mornings at work by concealing a bottle of vodka in your jacket pocket and taking swigs from it at regular intervals throughout the day.
Wood stain is a fast and attractive alternative to sun bed treatments.
Pretend your house is a pub by stubbing out cigarettes on the carpet, watering down your cans of beer and kicking your wife out into the garden at 11:30.