Life Tips

(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

Personal Hygiene

  • Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a hand-me-down item.
  • While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one’s OWN truck keys.
  • Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
  • Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman’s jewellery and alter the tastes of finger foods.
  • Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same goal and save hours. It’s a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this method.

Dining Out

  • When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup and pour slowly so as not to “bruise” the fruit of the vine.
  • If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.
  • Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their mobile home costs just as much as yours.

Entertaining in your Home

  • A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
  • Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.
  • Be considerate of your guests. Point out in advance where the injury-threatening springs are located on the sofa.
  • If your dog falls in love with a guest’s leg, have the decency to leave them alone for a few minutes.

Dating (Outside the Family)

  • Always offer to bait your date’s hook, especially on the first date.
  • No matter how broke you are, never take your date flowers that were stolen from a cemetery.
  • Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: “I’ve been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men’s bathroom wall two years ago.”
  • Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00. Others might say “Monday.” If the latter is the answer, it’s the boy’s responsibility to get her to school on time.
  • If a girl’s name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in frustration.
  • Even if you can’t get a date, avoid kidnapping. It’s bad for your reputation.
  • Always allow your date first pick of any road kill you run across.

Theatre Etiquette

  • Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately after the movie has ended.
  • Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they can’t hear you.

Weddings

  • Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
  • Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.
  • When dancing, never remove undergarments; no matter how hot it is.
  • Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you cut.
  • A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost-effective, but also a proven fly deterrent.
  • For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

Driving Etiquette

  • Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded and the deer is in sight.
  • When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.
  • Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
  • When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
  • Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.
  • Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
  • Do not lay rubber while travelling in a funeral procession.

Tips For All Occasions

  • Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
  • Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
  • Always say “Excuse me” after getting sick in someone else’s car.
  • It’s considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
  • Even if you’re certain that you are included in the will, it’s considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
  • The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially if other people are around.
  • If you have to vacuum the bed, it’s time to change the sheets.
  • Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.