Nun Jokes

(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

Faith Moves Mountains

Sister Mary and Sister Bernadette, two Irish nuns, are driving alone out in the boonies when they run out of petrol. Fortunately they can walk to a gas station not far away, where they ask to purchase a can of petrol. “I’m sorry, sister,” says the attendant, “but all I have for you to carry it in is an old chamber pot.”

The nuns agree that this will be fine. They return to the car. As they are pouring the gasoline into the tank, a man drives by, stops his car, and says, “Oh, sisters, if only I had your faith.”

 

Nuns in Transylvania

The same two Irish nuns are travelling through Transylvania on holiday. As they are driving through the winding mountain roads, Count Dracula appears and lands on the car’s bonnet, and clings onto the front of the car. The nuns get the fright of their lives, and Sister Bernadette slams on the brakes to try and get rid of the vampire.

Dracula doesn’t budge however, and hisses at the two nuns through the windscreen. Sister Mary turns to Sister Bernadette and says, “Sister Bernadette, turn on the windscreen wipers! That will get him off the car.” So Sister Bernadette turns on the windscreen wipers, but Dracula holds on.

Sister Mary turns to Sister Bernadette again and says, “Sister Bernadette, I filled the water reservoir with Holy Water. Spray him with it! That will surely get rid of him.” So Sister Bernadette pulls back on the windreeen water nozzle lever, and sprays the gruesome vampire with Holy Water, but he still does not move.

As a last resort, Sister Mary says, “Sister Bernadette! Show him your cross!”

So Sister Bernadette leans out the side window and says, “Get the fuck off my car!”

 

Nuns in America

Sister Mary and Sister Bernadette are now on their way to visit America, after the Mother Superior from the New York branch has invited them across. And of course, both nuns are extremely awestruck about the whole issue. They have even heard stories about how Americans eat dogs, and they are curious.

So the nuns arrive in New York and are walking along 5th Avenue when they see a hot dog vendor selling his goods. Sister Mary turns to Sister Bernadette and says, “Look, Sister Bernadette. Let us investigate this eating of dogs that we have heard about.”

They approach the vendor and Sister Bernadette asks for two “dogs”. They watch as the man pulls out two packets, opens them slightly, and applies the mustard and tomato sauce. They walk over to a bench and sit down. Sister Mary is the more inquisitive of the two and opens her packet first.

Quickly, she shuts it again, and whispers to the other nun, “Sister Bernadette, which part did you get?”