One-Liners From Hell

(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

  • If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  • For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
  • Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  • Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
  • I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
  • I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
  • Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
  • Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
  • I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
  • I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
  • I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
  • If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
  • Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
  • Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
  • Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  • Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
  • Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
  • The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
  • When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
  • Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
  • If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
  • Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder …
  • 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
  • If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
  • Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
  • When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
  • Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
  • If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
  • Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
  • What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  • Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  • I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
  • I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
  • Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
  • How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
  • Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
  • Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
  • Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
  • OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
  • Black holes are where God divided by zero.
  • All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
  • I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
  • Every man has his price. Mine is R5.95.
  • Most people get lost in thought, because it is such unfamiliar territory.
  • Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
  • Reincarnation is making a comeback.
  • He who laughs, lasts.
  • Never step in anything soft.
  • Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.
  • “I’m not under the affluence of incohol!”
  • A closed mouth gathers no feet.
  • Patience is a virgin.
  • Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
  • I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
  • I like the approach, now let’s see the departure.
  • There was once one so ugly that not even the tide would go out with him.
  • Stop going through life pushing doors marked ‘pull’.
  • Doesn’t just know nothing, doesn’t even suspect anything either.
  • Are you aware that light bends around your head?
  • I DO have a photographic memory, I’m just out of film.
  • Once upon a time, air was clean and sex was dirty.
  • Experience is the comb life gives you after you’ve turned bald.
  • If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
  • Draw the curve, then plot the points.
  • A critic knows the way, but can’t drive.
  • Do not be led astray onto the path of virtue.
  • Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
  • Never confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant.
  • Forty eight percent of all statistics are useless.
  • Constant change is here to stay.
  • Cross the river, then shoot at the crocodiles.
  • Free advice is worth what you pay for it.
  • Knee (n): device for locating furniture at night.
  • Whatever happens, let’s not confuse the issue with facts.
  • I don’t believe in reincarnation, but I did in my last life.
  • Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
  • Deja brew: the feeling you’ve had this beer before.
  • Edam: the cheese that’s made backwards.
  • Don’t fry bacon naked.
  • Dijon vu: the feeling you’ve had this mustard before.
  • Brave, blind, senseless and under protest was the first to eat an oyster.
  • Stop thinking so hard: the sands of time are getting in your ice cream.
  • Drink HEBREW: the manly beer.
  • Deep down he’s really shallow.
  • Call me schizo, but I’ll always have each other.
  • At last, someone who can open their mind without it falling out.
  • I couldn’t care less about apathy.
  • If all is not lost, where is it ?
  • If life were logical, MEN would ride side-saddle.
  • How did they measure the size of hailstones before golfballs ?
  • How do they get teflon to stick to the pan ?
  • Refuse anaesthetic; transcend dental medication.
  • A blind vampire is a pain in the butt.
  • Always remember to pillage before you burn.
  • California has its faults.
  • Dear Santa, please send me your complete list of naughty girls.
  • Bo Peep was insured.
  • Dragons do exist, you just can’t get through the firewall.
  • Elevators smell different to short people.
  • You’re all crazy and you’re trying to steal my magic bag.
  • Corrugated iron is really groovy.
  • Heck is for people who don’t believe in Gosh.
  • A certain cure for nailbiting is to take up plumbing.
  • Death is nature’s way of saying ‘Howdy’.
  • Get thee down. Be thou Funky.
  • If introduced to someone called Jessica Fletcher, worry.
  • ‘I drank WHAT ?’ -Socrates.
  • Never trust someone who claims to like cricket.
  • ‘I haven’t eaten a bloody thing all day’ -Dracula.
  • ‘Call it a hunch’ -Quasimodo.
  • Does the little mermaid wear an algebra ?
  • Broads hate sexists.
  • If thine enemy offend thee, buy his child a drum.
  • Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
  • Save your procrastination for next week.
  • Cat (n): lapwarmer with buzzer.
  • Cats are not clean, they are covered in cat spit.
  • Cats know how we feel. They don’t care, but they know.
  • A chihuahua is a small crocodile with fur.
  • Hen: device for an egg to make another egg.
  • A running chicken is poultry in motion.
  • Contentment is biting a parrot.
  • A camel is a horse twice ratified by a committee.
  • Carpenter’s Rule: cut to fit, beat into place.
  • Darwin’s first law: if you’re stupid, you die.
  • Cole’s law: thinly sliced cabbage.
  • Jenkin’s law: an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
  • Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
  • Free advice is worth what you pay for it.
  • The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen.
    At four we know all the questions, at eighteen we know all the answers.
  • It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
  • A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
  • Give a woman an inch and she thinks she’s a ruler.
  • Nature heals and the doctor takes the fee.
  • Friends come and go – enemies accumulate.
  • Myth: A female moth.
  • Freedom: The right to choose the habits that bind you.
  • Genitalia: NOT an Italian airline.
  • Character Density: The number of very weird people in the office.
  • Pram: Last year’s fun on wheels.
  • Kurt Cobain: The Man Without A Face.