(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)
- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
- For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
- Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
- I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
- Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
- I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
- I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
- I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
- If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
- Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
- Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
- Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
- Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
- Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
- The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
- When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
- If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder …
- 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
- When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
- If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
- Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
- I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
- I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
- Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
- How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
- Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
- Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
- Black holes are where God divided by zero.
- All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
- I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
- Every man has his price. Mine is R5.95.
- Most people get lost in thought, because it is such unfamiliar territory.
- Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
- Reincarnation is making a comeback.
- He who laughs, lasts.
- Never step in anything soft.
- Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.
- “I’m not under the affluence of incohol!”
- A closed mouth gathers no feet.
- Patience is a virgin.
- Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
- I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
- I like the approach, now let’s see the departure.
- There was once one so ugly that not even the tide would go out with him.
- Stop going through life pushing doors marked ‘pull’.
- Doesn’t just know nothing, doesn’t even suspect anything either.
- Are you aware that light bends around your head?
- I DO have a photographic memory, I’m just out of film.
- Once upon a time, air was clean and sex was dirty.
- Experience is the comb life gives you after you’ve turned bald.
- If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
- Draw the curve, then plot the points.
- A critic knows the way, but can’t drive.
- Do not be led astray onto the path of virtue.
- Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
- Never confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant.
- Forty eight percent of all statistics are useless.
- Constant change is here to stay.
- Cross the river, then shoot at the crocodiles.
- Free advice is worth what you pay for it.
- Knee (n): device for locating furniture at night.
- Whatever happens, let’s not confuse the issue with facts.
- I don’t believe in reincarnation, but I did in my last life.
- Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
- Deja brew: the feeling you’ve had this beer before.
- Edam: the cheese that’s made backwards.
- Don’t fry bacon naked.
- Dijon vu: the feeling you’ve had this mustard before.
- Brave, blind, senseless and under protest was the first to eat an oyster.
- Stop thinking so hard: the sands of time are getting in your ice cream.
- Drink HEBREW: the manly beer.
- Deep down he’s really shallow.
- Call me schizo, but I’ll always have each other.
- At last, someone who can open their mind without it falling out.
- I couldn’t care less about apathy.
- If all is not lost, where is it ?
- If life were logical, MEN would ride side-saddle.
- How did they measure the size of hailstones before golfballs ?
- How do they get teflon to stick to the pan ?
- Refuse anaesthetic; transcend dental medication.
- A blind vampire is a pain in the butt.
- Always remember to pillage before you burn.
- California has its faults.
- Dear Santa, please send me your complete list of naughty girls.
- Bo Peep was insured.
- Dragons do exist, you just can’t get through the firewall.
- Elevators smell different to short people.
- You’re all crazy and you’re trying to steal my magic bag.
- Corrugated iron is really groovy.
- Heck is for people who don’t believe in Gosh.
- A certain cure for nailbiting is to take up plumbing.
- Death is nature’s way of saying ‘Howdy’.
- Get thee down. Be thou Funky.
- If introduced to someone called Jessica Fletcher, worry.
- ‘I drank WHAT ?’ -Socrates.
- Never trust someone who claims to like cricket.
- ‘I haven’t eaten a bloody thing all day’ -Dracula.
- ‘Call it a hunch’ -Quasimodo.
- Does the little mermaid wear an algebra ?
- Broads hate sexists.
- If thine enemy offend thee, buy his child a drum.
- Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
- Save your procrastination for next week.
- Cat (n): lapwarmer with buzzer.
- Cats are not clean, they are covered in cat spit.
- Cats know how we feel. They don’t care, but they know.
- A chihuahua is a small crocodile with fur.
- Hen: device for an egg to make another egg.
- A running chicken is poultry in motion.
- Contentment is biting a parrot.
- A camel is a horse twice ratified by a committee.
- Carpenter’s Rule: cut to fit, beat into place.
- Darwin’s first law: if you’re stupid, you die.
- Cole’s law: thinly sliced cabbage.
- Jenkin’s law: an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
- Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
- Free advice is worth what you pay for it.
- The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen.
At four we know all the questions, at eighteen we know all the answers. - It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
- A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
- Give a woman an inch and she thinks she’s a ruler.
- Nature heals and the doctor takes the fee.
- Friends come and go – enemies accumulate.
- Myth: A female moth.
- Freedom: The right to choose the habits that bind you.
- Genitalia: NOT an Italian airline.
- Character Density: The number of very weird people in the office.
- Pram: Last year’s fun on wheels.
- Kurt Cobain: The Man Without A Face.