One-Liners From Hell

(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
• Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
• Corduroy pillows: They’re making headlines!
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
• Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• I’m not cheap, but I am on special this week.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
• I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
• If you ain’t makin’ waves, you ain’t kickin’ hard enough!
• Mental backup in progress – Do Not Disturb!
• Mind Like A Steel Trap – Rusty And Illegal In 37 States.
• Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
• Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.
• Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion.
• The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
• When everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
• Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder …
• 24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
• Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
• When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
• If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
• I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he’s gone.
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
• How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
• Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
• Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.
• Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!
• OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
• Black holes are where God divided by zero.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.
• Every man has his price. Mine is R5.95.
• Most people get lost in thought, because it is such unfamiliar territory.
• Mother told me to be good, but she’s been wrong before.
• Reincarnation is making a comeback.
• He who laughs, lasts.
• Never step in anything soft.
• Reality is an illusion caused by lack of alcohol.
• “I’m not under the affluence of incohol!”
• A closed mouth gathers no feet.
• Patience is a virgin.
• Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
• I refuse a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
• I like the approach, now let’s see the departure.
• There was once one so ugly that not even the tide would go out with him.
• Stop going through life pushing doors marked ‘pull’.
• Doesn’t just know nothing, doesn’t even suspect anything either.
• Are you aware that light bends around your head?
• I DO have a photographic memory, I’m just out of film.
• Once upon a time, air was clean and sex was dirty.
• Experience is the comb life gives you after you’ve turned bald.
• If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail.
• Draw the curve, then plot the points.
• A critic knows the way, but can’t drive.
• Do not be led astray onto the path of virtue.
• Don’t assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
• Never confuse an open mind with one that’s vacant.
• Forty eight percent of all statistics are useless.
• Constant change is here to stay.
• Cross the river, then shoot at the crocodiles.
• Free advice is worth what you pay for it.
• Knee (n): device for locating furniture at night.
• Whatever happens, let’s not confuse the issue with facts.
• I don’t believe in reincarnation, but I did in my last life.
• Diets are for people who are thick and tired of it.
• Deja brew: the feeling you’ve had this beer before.
• Edam: the cheese that’s made backwards.
• Don’t fry bacon naked.
• Dijon vu: the feeling you’ve had this mustard before.
• Brave, blind, senseless and under protest was the first to eat an oyster.
• Stop thinking so hard: the sands of time are getting in your ice cream.
• Drink HEBREW: the manly beer.
• Deep down he’s really shallow.
• Call me schizo, but I’ll always have each other.
• At last, someone who can open their mind without it falling out.
• I couldn’t care less about apathy.
• If all is not lost, where is it ?
• If life were logical, MEN would ride side-saddle.
• How did they measure the size of hailstones before golfballs ?
• How do they get teflon to stick to the pan ?
• Refuse anaesthetic; transcend dental medication.
• A blind vampire is a pain in the butt.
• Always remember to pillage before you burn.
• California has its faults.
• Dear Santa, please send me your complete list of naughty girls.
• Bo Peep was insured.
• Dragons do exist, you just can’t get through the firewall.
• Elevators smell different to short people.
• You’re all crazy and you’re trying to steal my magic bag.
• Corrugated iron is really groovy.
• Heck is for people who don’t believe in Gosh.
• A certain cure for nailbiting is to take up plumbing.
• Death is nature’s way of saying ‘Howdy’.
• Get thee down. Be thou Funky.
• If introduced to someone called Jessica Fletcher, worry.
• ‘I drank WHAT ?’ -Socrates.
• Never trust someone who claims to like cricket.
• ‘I haven’t eaten a bloody thing all day’ -Dracula.
• ‘Call it a hunch’ -Quasimodo.
• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra ?
• Broads hate sexists.
• If thine enemy offend thee, buy his child a drum.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
• Save your procrastination for next week.
• Cat (n): lapwarmer with buzzer.
• Cats are not clean, they are covered in cat spit.
• Cats know how we feel. They don’t care, but they know.
• A chihuahua is a small crocodile with fur.
• Hen: device for an egg to make another egg.
• A running chicken is poultry in motion.
• Contentment is biting a parrot.
• A camel is a horse twice ratified by a committee.
• Carpenter’s Rule: cut to fit, beat into place.
• Darwin’s first law: if you’re stupid, you die.
• Cole’s law: thinly sliced cabbage.
• Jenkin’s law: an unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
• Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon.
• Free advice is worth what you pay for it.
• The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen.
  At four we know all the questions, at eighteen we know all the answers.
• It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one.
• A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.
• Give a woman an inch and she thinks she’s a ruler.
• Nature heals and the doctor takes the fee.
• Friends come and go – enemies accumulate.
• Myth: A female moth.
• Freedom: The right to choose the habits that bind you.
• Genitalia: NOT an Italian airline.
• Character Density: The number of very weird people in the office.
• Pram: Last year’s fun on wheels.
• Kurt Cobain: The Man Without A Face.