If Santa Answered His Mail Honestly

(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

Dear Santa
I wud like a kool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer.
YeR FReND,
BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You’re on your way to a career in trash disposal. How about I send you a fucking dictionary so you can learn to read and write? I’m giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!
Santa
P.S. Have your mother start calling you Rain Man!


Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody!
Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn’t they?
Santa


Dear Santa,
I don’t know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I’d like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do.
Love,
Teddy

Dear Teddy,
What, like your dad’s going to quit banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane? Tell your mom to lose some weight and I’ll talk to your daddy. Let me give you some nice Legos in the meantime and let’s see if you can build up a family with those.
Santa


Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, play station, a train, some G.I. Joe’s, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba.
Love,
Francis

Dear Francis,
I’ll tell you what, I’ll send you a round trip ticket to the North Pole so when you get here I can kick sense into your fucking head. Who names their kid “Francis ” anyway. I bet you’re gay. I’ll send you the Village People album instead.
Santa


Dear Santa,
I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the backdoor.
Love,
Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the shits and carrots make the deer fart in my face. You want to be nice for Santa? Leave me a bottle of Johnny Walker and some Toblerone and tell your mom to wait up.
Santa


Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you making Toys?
Your friend,
Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All toys get made in China. I have a condo in Vegas where I spend most of my time squeezing cocktail waitresses’ asses, and losing money at the craps table. And then one shitty day a year, I send toys to all you little fuckers!
Santa


Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we’re sleeping, do you really know when we’re awake, like in the song?
Love,
Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that stupid? I hope my reindeer crash into your window and trample your family in their sleep for having such a stupid child! I’m skipping your house.
Santa


Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney, begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap don’t fly up here. You’re getting a King Cobra instead. He likes it when you pat his head.
Santa


Dearest Santa,
We don’t have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home ?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First of all, stop calling yourself “Marky,” that’s why you’re getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don’t live in a house you live in a low-rent apartment complex in Clinton Third, I can get inside your shit hole just like all the hobo’s in town do. I will mail your mom some crack the week before Christmas and she will leave me a key. I am sending you food stamps for Christmas.
Your friend,
Santa