(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

There were two little boys elected to be in the school play. Each had a small line to recite, one being, “Oh fair maid, I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope.” The second boy, on hearing this, was to say “Hark, a pistol shot.”

The night of the play came, and the two very nervous boys each saw that his parents were seated in the front row as they came on stage. Finally it was time for the first boy to speak, and being very nervous he said, “Oh fair maid, I have come to kiss your snatch, and fill your hole with soap.”

On hearing this, the second boy, even more nervous, said, “Hark, a shistol pot, a postil shit … er … pit shop … a shit pot … cow shit … bullshit … bollocks … I didn’t want to be in the fucking play in the first place.”