Tips For Evil Cult Members

(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

  • Pick one faith and stay with it. Dilettantism is the mark of an amateur.
  • Familiarise yourself with the specifications for sacrificial victims, and ensure that unacceptable substitutes cannot be unexpectedly introduced into the ceremony. If the penalty for not-to-specs work is death and/or mutilation, consider working for a more fault-tolerant deity.
  • Avoid needless embarrassment. Practice the correct pronunciation of your deity’s name in the privacy of your own room before chanting it in public. Flash cards are often helpful.
  • Before agreeing to impregnation by a supernatural being, investigate the survival rate of the other people who have undergone the procedure.
  • Eschew deities whose followers are all young; such groups usually employ an unpleasant retirement procedure.
  • Citronella candles may not be used in rituals. I cannot stress this strongly enough.
  • Pastel coloured candles in the shape of cute animals are like direct sunlight to the Powers of Darkness.
  • Fluorescent lighting is very annoying to most netherworldly creatures.
  • When the Black Mass goes awry, stay away from the Evil Priest. Enraged demons always go for the pompous.
  • When a religious artifact begins emitting light, CLOSE YOUR EYES. Thousands of cult members could be saved every year if they followed this simple safety tip.
  • During ritual sacrificing, taking bits home for later is now generally considered “bad form.”
  • Contrary to historical belief, drugs and invocations do not mix. When the ritual goes awry, it is vitally necessary to be able to discern between the gibbering monstrosity to pump full of silver bullets and the gibbering monstrosity that will fade away after a few hours, some B-complex, and a good, hot bath.
  • For those situations where a fresh, living sacrifice is not available, the lower ranks of demons can be fooled by microwaving a previously frozen chunk of ex-victim and cleverly jiggling it. However, a mock victim sculpted from Spam is unacceptable.
  • Instead of picking human victims who are young, virginal, and innocent (and tend to turn out to be the hero’s girlfriend), see if you can substitute mass murderers, lawyers, viola players, politicians (e.g. Dubbya), nightclub owners, or any other people who won’t be missed.