(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

  1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it’s really dead.
  2. Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke.
  3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
  4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be prepared. This also applies to kids who speak using someone else’s voice.
  5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go it alone.
  6. As a general rule, do not solve puzzles that open portals to HELL.
  7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to any other house of the dead as well.
  8. If you’re searching for something which caused a LOUD noise and find out that it’s just the cat, GET THE HELL OUT!
  9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short circuits, run!
  10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead, not even candy from ones who look nice.
  11. If you find a town which looks deserted, there’s probably a good reason for it. Do not stop and look around.
  12. Don’t fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you’re sure you know what you are doing.
  13. If you’re running from a monster, expect to trip or fall down at least twice. Also note that despite the fact that you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it’s still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
  14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness, and so on, kill them immediately.
  15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, the Bermuda Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
  16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is strange because you thought you had 3/4 of a tank of gas, shoot yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, most likely you will be eaten alive.
  17. Beware of strangers bearing strange tools, (i.e. chainsaws, staple guns, hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches, soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from their deceased previous companions).
  18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion, or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices in your house.
  19. If you answer a knock at the front door and you are greeted by a humanoid who is far, far hairier than you, close the door as soon as possible. Otherwise, pray quickly.
  20. Don’t ever, EVER, aggravate HaZrD!