(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He’s really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an Admittance Demon. He thinks to himself, “I know I lead a wild life, but I wasn’t that bad. I never thought it would come to this.” Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the Demon.
Demon: What’s the problem? You look depressed.
Guy: Well, what do you think? I’m in hell.
Demon: Hell’s not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink.
Demon: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much as you want. We party all night long. You’ll love Mondays. Do you smoke?
Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to heart’s desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?
Guy: Well, in my younger days, I experimented a little.
Demon: You are going to love Wednesdays. That’s drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want, and you don’t have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.
Demon: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night — black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?
Guy: Well, no I’m not.
Demon: Oh, you’re going to hate Fridays …