(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)
The smallest kerbside space sucessfully reversed into by a woman, was one of 19.36m equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs. E. Simpkins (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova Swing on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11:15am in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement, 8 hours 14mins later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as shop frontage and two lamp posts.
The longest journey completed with the handbrake on, was one of 313 miles from Stranraer to Holyhead, by Dr. Julie Thorn, at the wheel of a Saab 900 on 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird, but pressed on to Hollyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.
The longest period of time that two women in a pornographic film have sat together on a settee without starting to fondle each other is 8.3 secs, in the 1994 low budget production ‘Strap on Sally vol.3’. The longest a woman has sat alone on the settee without starting to fondle herself is 5.2 secs. in the same film.
Traffic Light Cosmetics
The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1hr 51mins 38secs. by Miss J. Dobson at a road junction in the centre of Preston on the 1st August 1975. Miss Dobson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the light, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.
Group Toilet Visit
The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the dept. of Social Security, Long Benton. At their annual celebration at a nightclub in Newcastle upon Tyne on 12th Oct 1994 Mrs. Beryl Crabtree got up to go to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members of the party. Moving a mass the group entered the toilet at 9:52pm and after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2hrs 37mins later.
On 9th June 1996, Mr. Harold Brayson (GB) struck his thumb with a stone mason’s mallet whilst breaking concrete in his back yard in Tewksbury, Gloucestershire. He went on to swear for 14mins 7secs without stopping once or repeating a swear word. He later attemped to better this feat on BBC TV’s Record Breakers programme by dropping a car battery on his foot. It ended in failure when he repeated the word bastard after 12mins 58secs.
The greatest amount of beer drunk before going to the lavatory was 25.5 litres (45 pints) of assorted weak lagers, by Mr. George Wingfield downed in various pubs in Knutsford high street, Cheshire beteween 12:15pm and 2:38pm on 22nd December 1986.
The longest piss delivered at one continuous scoot was one of 36 mins 24secs by Mr George Wingfield (GB) in the doorway of a newsagents shop in Knutsford high street on 22nd December 1986. Mr Wingfield was arrested and charge witha public order offence 17 mins into his record attempt, but arresting officers had to wait a further 19mins 24sec before taking him back to the station for a kicking.
Hottest Curry Eaten
Many claims are made about the ferocity of curries eaten, but in the main they are difficult to substanciate. The hottest verifiable curry eaten was a XXX Hot Chicken Murg Thaal with extra chillies consumed by George Wingfield (GB) at the Bengal Tiger Restaurant, Knutsford on 23rd December 1986. The curry was reportedly so hot that between kitchen and table it burst into flames, singeing the waiters eyebrows.
The largest and most catastrophic fart was one dropped by Mr. George Wingfield (GB) in the car park of the Dog and Duck, Knutsford, on the morning of the 24th December 1986. Suffering from terrible guts Mr. Wingfield gingerly attempted to squeeze one out whilst bending to pick up his car keys, but the resulting flatulant explosion blew his entire digestive tract out of his arse. Attending firemen hosed down his smoking guts for two hours before paramedics with breathing aparatus could begin the process of pushing them back up.