You Know You Are In South Africa When …

(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

  • you realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened in the rest of the world.
  • to alleviate congestion in post office queues, they bring in the innovative idea of selling scratch cards…
  • you are expected to carry a drivers licence that doesn’t fit into your wallet.
  • the fact that there is an election and people are standing in line waiting to vote is more important than the result of the election.
  • the police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle of the night but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest police station.
  • people would rather be killed in their beds than live in some country where they would have to get up and make it themselves.
  • people tell you that they wouldn’t live anywhere else because the weather is so shit over there.
  • a minibus taxi overtakes you, just to stop right in front of you.
  • when the road narrows, the guy to the rear of you has right of way.
  • you don’t stop at a red traffic light, in case somebody hijacks your car.
  • votes have to be recounted until the right party wins.
  • you have to prove you don’t need a loan to get one.
  • a shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by letting you buy from their shop.
  • your insurance is higher than the repayments on your car.
  • you consider it a good month if you only get mugged once.
  • Rwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate is too high.
  • people start joking about the crime rate.
  • the police ask you if they should follow up on the burglary you’ve just reported.
  • you paint your car’s registration number on the roof in large letters.
  • when 2 Afrikaans TV programs are seperated by a Xhosa anouncement of the following Afrikaans program, and a Pedi ad.
  • the government has more opposition from themselves, than from any opposition party.
  • a minister is fired, and returns the government cell phone, but keeps the G-number-plated BMW.
  • a 45 year old engineer is replaced by a 25 year old who cannot write his own name.
  • the employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy they are.
  • half the city pays for the other halve’s electricity and water supply.
  • a murderer gets a 2 year sentence, and a pirate M-Net viewer a 6 month sentence.
  • the prisoners strike!
  • crime actually DOES pay.
  • the SABC advertises and shows highlights of the program you just finished viewing.
  • the government GIVES you a house, and you complain.
  • you can’t even go on a business trip to Oz without somebody asking knowingly, “Oh, having a look around, are you? …”
  • you attempt to get onto a freeway via an on-ramp and the guy approaching on the freeway deliberately speeds up to prevent you merging smoothly with the traffic.
  • there is more space between the sole of your foot and the accelerator pedal than between your rear bumper and the car behind you.
  • people would rather drive a flashy car with HUGE repayments and MASSIVE insurance than live in a decent house.
  • the post office stores letters instead of delivering them.
  • an employer has to pay his employees wages during a strike and cannot lock them out.
  • cops are always able to spot you for parking without display while never able to see the minibus taxis parking in the middle of the road.
  • SABC 3 is SABC 2 after 18:30, only in KwaZulu-Natal, except on the weekend.
  • petrol takes the biggest price jump in history, the banks increase their interest rates by two percent, and the Rand’s value dives by 25%, but we are told that “we have just had the lowest inflation rate increase in 24 years”.
  • you go to prison for murder, and instead of the death sentence, you get a nice box of condoms.
  • pre-election promises change into “Rome wasn’t built in a day”.
  • the Minister of Housing didn’t build a single house.
  • the Minister of Finance doesn’t wear a tie.
  • the Minister-without-Portfolio makes more noise than all the portfolios put together, and then, when he’s given a portfolio, you never hear from him again.
  • the Minister of Tourism is the same person who said “One Settler, One Bullet”.