You Know You Live In Johannesburg When …

(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

  • The person in front of you in traffic this morning was hijacked and you got irritated because you missed the traffic light.
  • While eating dinner a news item comes on TV about a family of six slaughtered in their home, and you ask someone to pass you the salt.
  • You never think of taxis in terms of ‘public transport’.
  • You have a minimum of five worst taxi stories.
  • While waiting at the ATM the bank is robbed by armed gunmen, but you’ll be damned if you’re going to lose your place in the queue.
  • You’re suspicious of strangers who are actually nice to you.
  • The last time you drove your car without swearing at someone was when you took your driving test.
  • It takes you an hour and a half to drive 5km to work in the morning and you think wow, good traffic day.
  • Every time you find your car parked where you left it you are genuinely surprised.
  • You’ve never been to Melville or Rockey St but love Sandton City.
  • You can get into a four-hour argument about the quickest way out of Sunninghill after work on a Friday, but can’t find Boksburg on a map.
  • Prostitutes and the homeless are invisible.
  • You’ve seriously considered shooting someone.
  • You have more barbed wire around your home than Diepkloof Prison.
  • You consider eye contact an act of overt aggression.
  • You consider a postage-stamp sized patch of grass a garden.
  • You consider Midrand the ‘countryside’.
  • You happily pay R3500.00 a month for a townhouse in the north the size of a cupboard, but think R2.50 for a loaf of bread is a disgrace.
  • The last time you visited the coast you paid more in accumulated speeding fines than you did for the entire holiday.
  • Your monthly car insurance is more than most of the people in SA’s car repayments.
  • What are stars?
  • You own hiking boots and a 4×4, neither of which have ever touched dirt.
  • You actually take fashion seriously.
  • Being truly alone makes you ‘go for your gun’.
  • You have 20 different menus next to your phone.
  • SA south of the Vaal is still theoretical to you.
  • You can carry R350 worth of groceries in one plastic bag.
  • You don’t hear gunfire anymore.