You Know You’re Gay When …

(Most of the humour collected here is in the public domain, unless otherwise specified.)

  • You wear the appropriate underwear for each of your dates.
  • You understand the subtle differences between at least 20 brands of vodka.
  • You understand the immense importance of good (or bad) lighting.
  • You can be in a crowded bar and still spot a toupee from 50 yards away.
  • You can tell a woman you love her bathing suit and mean her bathing suit.
  • You can tell a woman she has lipstick on her teeth without embarrassing her.
  • No one expects you to kiss and not tell.
  • You can have naked pictures of men you know in your home.
  • You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home.
  • You can have naked pictures of men you don’t know in your home and on your computer.
  • Unlike your women friends, you can hang out in men’s locker room.
  • You understand why the good Lord created spandex.
  • You understand why the good Lord did not intend everyone to wear spandex.
  • You know the difference between a latte, cappuccino, cafe au lait and a macchiato.
    And if you don’t, you know how to fake it.
  • You know how to get back at just about everyone.
  • Your pets always have great names.
  • Nobody expects you to change a tire.
  • You’re the only guy who gets to do the “Cosmo” quizzes.
  • You know how to get a waiter’s attention.
  • You only wear polyester when you mean to.
  • At any given instant, you can recite who was gay since the dawn of history.
  • You are, hands down, your nephew’s and nieces’ favorite uncle.
  • You get to choose your family.
  • You can tell your sexual compatibility with a potential partner by the way he holds his drink.
  • You can smile to let someone know you can’t stand them.
  • You wouldn’t be caught dead in Hooters.
  • You can freeze an approaching bar troll twenty feet away.
  • You’re good pals with women other people can’t stand.
  • You’ve always got an opinion, and don’t mind sharing it.
  • You’ve read the book, seen the movie, done the musical.
  • You know how to “air kiss”.
  • You know exactly which cosmetic surgery to consider having … and the perfect excuse to give people who ask where you’ve been for two weeks.
  • You know how to dress strategically.
  • You know when to move out and move on.
  • You are the only one at the class reunion who looks better than you did in high school.
  • You’ve got at least one framed picture of a pet.
  • You know that being called a “cheap slut” isn’t necessarily an insult.
  • You wouldn’t buy someone a mug for their birthday.
  • You know which wine to bring.
  • Sales clerks don’t mess with you.
  • You have a medicine chest stocked for any occasion.
  • You never hold a grudge for longer than a decade.
  • You’ve just about defeated the accent you were born with.
  • You know the way to a man’s heart is not necessarily through his stomach.
  • You choose the most fabulous greeting cards.
  • You know every film ever made with male frontal nudity.
  • You’ve got sunscreen at every conceivable SPF level.
  • You have the latest International Male catalog.
  • You wouldn’t dream of dressing out of the latest International Male catalog.
  • You can be bitchy without anyone blaming it on biology.