Tonight I watched the first episode of CSI: Cyber.

I live-posted the experience on App.net. Here are my comments, very lightly edited.


“Why are foreign voices coming out of the camera?”

CYBER ALL THE THINGS!

Oh gods, Dawson is in this. In, apparently, a hair-piece.

TOKEN BLACK MAN!

What an ethnically-diverse team. None of which is the lead.

Ooh, cool scene transition. It’s so WarGames.

A BABY’S LIFE IS AT STAKE!

I think this is worse than the new Knight Rider was. I F**KING LOVE IT!

He’s a white hat hacker, folks.

This is so bad, it’s good.

“I know what it’s like to be violated.” Script written by theatre school dropouts.

IMPORTANT EXPOSITION TO EXPLAIN THE BLACK DUDE AND PATRONISE HIM AT THE SAME TIME.

Who’s the comedian? I guess it’s Dawson.

Nothing creepy at all about approaching a kid from outside his bedroom window.

CSI: Cyber. I’m ten minutes in and it’s SO BAD I just need to watch all of it.

These voices weren’t supposed to be there. CSI: Apple Event.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (etc). Oh my goodness.

I think this is subverting the CSI tropes intentionally.

FORESHADOWING.

The tech scene in James Bond was better.

“All I’ve got is green code here.” And then the malware shows up in red. So much for the computer security industry.

The guy who put in that SSH bug in Apple code? He wrote the malware in this code because { replicate } is … um … replicated.

My mood has improved immensely.

Slow motion action shot of Dawson kicking in the door.

THIS IS THE WRONG BABY! IT DOESN’T HAVE THE FRECKLE! Because all white babies look the same.

Dusting the diaper for prints. The one single sensible thing they’ve done. And then they send a photo of the print over iMessage or something.

“You can’t take that money. That’s our ticket out.”

Now the assassin is riding off on a dirt bike. Dawson put a cap in his ass.

It must be satire. There’s no other reasonable explanation.

Apparently SD cards have neon blue stuff inside.

tap tap tap

“There we go. All languages translated to English.”

Even the accents are retained! BRING ME THIS MAGIC!

It’s awesome because it made it through the entire production process, on to the screen, and it’s still this bad.

LET’S THROW IN SOME HACKER TERMINOLOGY TO LEGITIMISE THIS SHOW!

3D holographic model of surgery scars. This is so awesome.

FORESHADOWING IS COMING HOME TO ROOST!

Now the hackers have infiltrated the PlayStation network. This I can believe.

The Signal Strength indicator isn’t supposed to fluctuate like that.

Bad edit. Oh, the technique is intentional. Of all the reasons to stop watching, it’s motion sickness? Really? I’ll keep going.

WHEEL SPINNING SOUND EFFECT ON DIRT ROADS: check.

Dawson just shattered a door window with the butt of his gun underwater. I’m so wet right now.

THE BABY MANNEQUIN ISN’T BREATHING! Oh good, they replaced it at the last second with a real baby.

SUPER SLOW MOTION ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED. They must have run short ten seconds.

Ho ho. Parents’ basement joke because HACKERS!

They didn’t use the word “orthogonal”. I think they’ll save it for the series finale.


My advice. Don’t watch it unless you have had only three hours of sleep.